What you want

I feel like I have to write about this morning's events. I am woken up early this morning by the sounds of Christmas decorations being taken out of the attic, which is right next to my room. [We have an awkward attic.] I go back to sleep. I wake up around non, and I smell an awkward smelling food. I go downstairs to check it out, and it turns out to be steak and baked potatoes. Ok cool. I'm kind of baffled at how the smell was awkward, but whatever. So I begin fixing my plate up with food, and my dad begins to talk about college. How wonderful. 

Let me lay out part of the conversation:

Dad - "So I hear that you are going to change your major to Music Education?"

Me - "Yeah. I was thinking about it."

Dad - "Ok. So here's what I want you to do. If you do this, I want you to forget about teaching high school. I want you teach college."

I continue fixing my baked potato, and I say "You know you need a Masters for that, maybe even a PhD?"

Dad - "Yes. I want you to get your masters."

Me - Thinking in my head: "No. Nope. Nuh uh. No thanks. No." What comes out of my mouth: "I'll talk to my advisor."

I am kind of tired of talking about this whole subject, but I need to get my thoughts out. So, here goes, I guess:

I do not like being a Music Industry major. I am failing the class that is the base of music industry. If I cannot pass this class, how am I supposed to graduate? To tell you the truth, I had no idea what it was until I started classes. [Obviously, I did my homework on my colleges like a responsible person. Ha!] Honestly, I had no interest in it from the beginning. My parents wanted me to sign up for it. I did it with the intention of changing it before anything could happen. I even told the people at the audition (somebody in the music office and the table full of people/judges/music teachers who listened to me sing) that I what major I was down for was not the major I wanted to take. I wanted to be a Vocal Performance major. Guess what, nobody did anything to fix it, and I ended up doing what I don't want to do. So, now I am trying to fix the mess that I am in. I came up with changing my major to Music Ed. I kind of always figured that I would end up being a choir director, no matter how much I didn't want to be. Why am I doing this to myself when I know what I want? I know every time I talk about changing my major, I try to figure out a way to get to what I want. I know it would be really bad if I changed to Music Ed then change it again and transfer to a different college. I think it would be easier if I just cut out the middle man (Music Ed.).

Since I've said something like "honestly" 2 times already, lets get real honest. I kind of settled on Loyola. I didn't apply to any schools with the major that I wanted (Music Theater, of course), except for Tulane, but in all seriousness, there was no way I was going to go to Tulane. 

I just have to say that I love Loyola. I have finally gotten comfortable with it. I love that it has a home-like atmosphere, it is close to home (which is probably not the best thing for me), I have friends near by, MTO is amazing, and I have made wonderful new friends that I will love forever. O yeah! Plus, it is a great music school from which I have learned a lot. But now is the time that I have to decide whether or not Loyola is right for me and for what I want.

Now that reality has slapped me in the face, which I definitely needed, I now realize if "what I want" is truly what I want. Then I have to figure out what is preventing me from achieving it. So I have to break through those barriers that are preventing me from this, even if it means being on bad terms with my parents, having to leave my amazing friends, and starting all over and being alone in a new city and state.

Now is the perfect time to think. The Christmas break will give me plenty of enough time to think. No pressure of school or work. Just thinking, and maybe some reading on the side. This time I am taking things more seriously. Once I figure things out, My plan is: If I decide Loyola is not right for me, I will apply and audition for next year (2009-2010). I'm going to cram it all into 1 semester. I'm gonna try to be smart about this so everything will work out. If I decide it is, I am probably going to keep with the idea of Music Ed. But who knows what I will decide? i will keep you updated.

Here is Kerry Butler singing "Gee Wiz" on Seth Rudetsky's Broadway Chatterbox. I think this was from around the time she was in Hairspray. Listen to this girl's belt. Fucking blows my mind every time.

I promise my next post will be more enjoyable, probably of this weekend's events.

BAM!